Quick Update

There’s been so much going on in my heart since I began this job, but I haven’t had time to write. And I don’t have enough time now to go into much detail. Suffice to say that God is good. His leadership is good, perfect and right. Here I was filling out applications for some kind of teaching position. After Kevin lost his job, we decided that whoever found a job first would work. So we were both looking. I didn’t want to go back to work long term. I know my place is with my children. That is the highest and most important job there is. But for awhile now I’ve been feeling as if God was preparing me to reenter to workforce. So… I was doing my stuff, highlighting my strengths in cover letters, focusing on working with kids, because THAT’S WHAT I DO!

And then my friend Shannon emailed me and told me that her job was looking for a temporary office person. Working with kids? No. Filing and making copies! Do you need my resume that I worked on updating? Nope. Just come in on Monday. Literally… God laid this in my lap! I didn’t have to do anything but say “uh, okay”.

It’s so ridiculous to my understanding. I’m working for the entertainment industry! I don’t even like the entertainment industry! I’m fundementally against it for the most part. We just put our TV in the closet! We don’t watch movies hardly at all anymore. I don’t even think George Clooney is good looking! And the last job I had the was remotely accounting related lasted one day before they decided I was not the person for the job.

I am SO out of place here it’s ridiculous. I stick out way worse than a sore thumb. I don’t cuss, drink or laugh at their jokes. I’m not a Californian. I can not  get my mind around how much money is spent here on things that don’t matter… things that will only burn. I just put my little headphones on and listen to the Bible on MP3 while I make my happy little copies.

I’m not completely sure why I’m here. I just know that GOD put me here and I will stay until He makes it clear I am to leave or until the show’s done and everyone goes back to CA.  But here are two thoughts of what God is up to:

1. He has ordained that incense should go forth from every place. Every place. There is so much darkness here, and I can love Him in the midst of it. I can pray and worship and devour His Word. And just love on Him. Just tell Him that He’s beautiful. In the midst of the darkness, I can wrestle to be His resting place. And, yes. If that’s all this is about, that’s enough.

2.  I also had a dream where a girl I work with came to know Christ through Shannon and I praying here together. Oh, let it be so!

That’s all there’s time for. There’s much more to say about how God’s leading in our foster/adoptive journey… I’ll get around to it eventually!

The sword of flaming fire

I’m back to reading Genesis, and am enthralled. I am in awe of the passionate, fiery zeal of God. His longing for us. Us! The love relationship between the infinite God and humanity eminates from the story of Adam and Eve. We should correct that termonology though. If you look close, Eve isn’t named “Eve” until after the fall. Before God pronounces the curse, she is simply “The woman”.

Look at this: God finishes pronouncing the portion of the curse that pertains to Adam and then “Adam called his wife’s name ‘Eve’ because she was the mother of all the living.” Gen. 3:20

That seems, at first glance, to be a little out of place. Why would he rename her then and there? Can you feel the reaction, the deep sorrow that came out of the fall? In pronouncing the curse, God also declares that their redemption would come from the Seed. The enemy would be triumped over by the Seed. (vs. 15) At this moment, everything shifts. Before, Adam had named Eve “woman” because of her relationship to him.  Man and Woman. Now, though, the effects of their sin are starting to dawn, and their attention is turned to the Seed. They LONG for everything to be right again in their relationship with God. The woman is now named Eve. The focus shifts to the LIFE that will come forth from her… a promise they imagined would be fulfilled in their child/children, but was not fulfilled until so many decades later in Jesus Christ.

They had made their own coverings out of leaves, but this was insufficent. God institutes the first blood sacrifice to create a covering for them. In light of Eve’s new name and focus, this is even more prophetic and profound.

But the point I really want to get to is that flaming sword.

Adam and Eve are expelled from the garden NOT BECAUSE GOD IS FED UP WITH THEM!  Yes, He is Holy and their sin seperated them, but He could have just left the garden and left them in it. He makes them leave the garden so that they will not eat of the tree of life. If they do, they would live forever in their sins and any hope of restoration would be lost.

But not only are they kicked out. “He placed cherubim at the east of the garden of Eden, and a flaming sword which turned every way to guard the way to the tree of life” (vs. 24)

Cherubim is plural, by the way. Doesn’t this seem a little extreme? I mean,  an angel with a firey sword. I’ve got it. I’ll stay away. Angels in Scripture can be pretty scarey. Hense why their first words are normally “Don’t be afraid!”  But a flaming sword that’s turning every which way speaks to me of a passionate, zealous warrior GOD who steps in and says I WILL NOT LOSE YOU!  He is not apathetic. Not complacent. Not grumpy. He’s zealous! He will not give up on the human race with out a fight.  The sword is swinging. He loves them too much to let this breech in fellowship go on forever. He LONGS to be with them.  He’s guarding their future communion with such fierce devotion. What a merciful God!

A short, new season

A week and a half ago, Kevin lost his job. Funny how things can change so suddenly. Although people are apparently losing their jobs left and right (so I’m told… it’s easy to miss this stuff when you don’t watch the news), I really thought Kevin’s job was secure. Why? Because it was a bad job to begin with. It didn’t pay well and everyone there hated it and dreamed of walking out. And a lot of people did quit. So, I figured in my own faulty human reasoning that we were “safe”. We were barely scraping by, but at least we didn’t have to worry about not having a job.

Funny how when we put our security in something other than the Lord and His goodness, it doesn’t hold up.

Well, let’s just say I didn’t find it very funny last Wednesday. I kind of freaked out. Not exactly a pillar of faith. The Lord bears LONG with me. How many times has He come through in our finances? And yet I still struggle to trust Him! Ironic enough, I had just taught the lesson on WORRY for the Sermon on the Mount class with the kids.

So I’ve been going through this cycle of looking at the waves and sinking, then looking at Jesus, then looking at the waves and sinking, then looking at Jesus, then looking at the waves…

Well, Kevin still doesn’t have a job. But I now do. A job working, once again, with my two best friends Shannon and George Clooney (HA!). It’s a temporary job.. only until May… which is good because I don’t want to be away from my kids long term. But now Kevin can have a month or so to spend time with them, and I know this will be a precious season for him. We’re praying the timing will work out perfectly and there won’t be too much overlap between my job and whenever he gets a job.

The Lord is good and in control. If only I could get to the place where I could ALWAYS say that with complete confidence, with out an ounce of worry or unbelief.  I am so thankful He doesn’t give up on me.

Learning to lean…

My Brilliant Daughter

I am SO proud of Hadessah!

She wrote her very first words!!!

FAT

and

FAN

I can’t believe how grown up she’s getting. 3 1/2 years old!

My weekend

So, this past weekend I slipped away, on my own, to Kansas City for a short refueling. Before we moved to KC, every time I visited the prayer room I’d have some kind of grand experience. A significant prophetic dream, a vision, a life changing word given… something. Although I was hoping for something of that nature, my time away was more like just a bath in pure oil. It was so good, and so needed. No, not a long term solution, and I doubt I’ll get to do that again for a long time… but it was so good. So good to sit under Misty’s devo and just soak in the presence of the Lord… to feel Him everywhere. To just enjoy Him and know He’s enjoying me… just hanging out. It took me 3 hours to read 7 chapters of Luke. I had the best nights’ sleep I’ve had in a long, long time. I tend to have trouble getting to sleep, but man I slept great! I asked God for just time together, and though I would have loved to stop by and see some friends, I knew that my time there was so fleeting. Last time I visited KC, I never even made it to the prayer room because I was visiting people. At any rate, I didn’t run into anyone I knew there. No one. It really was just me and the Lord.

On the car ride I listened to a lot of Paul Washer, and the sessions from the Atlanta summit. I wept, and I mean WEPT, at the prophetic word for GHOP about the blocks. It undid me. And of course, when Paul Washer preaches, I’m convicted and left longing to live more fully abandoned to the Lord. Somewhere along the way, a burden was lifted.

So, now I’m back. I would have liked to teach the CEM class last night with some kind of apostolic authority. In reality, “the city of fog” still seems just that, and I so lack anointing and clarity to teach these kids. There’s a dense spiritual fog over this city. I can say something over and over and over and over again and be met with only foggy understanding, an almost-recollection a few minutes later. It is so weak. So very, very weak. And yet God delights in the building.  I was reading Luke today and was struck by a similarity. Jesus tells the disciples what is going to happen with in-your-face clarity. He didn’t beat around the bush. It was so to the point. And yet it says the disciples didn’t get it! They didn’t understand! But it would all be brought to their rememberance later by the Holy Spirit, and these dull disciples would turn the world upsidedown.  So I’ll have to remember this when it seems like I’m not getting far with these kids. I am just a vessel. It’s not my job to transform lives or hearts. I pray. I speak.  And I have to trust the Holy Spirit for all the rest.

One of the things I was convicted about was facebook. I am an all-or-nothing kind of person, and whatever I do I tend to do all the way. In other words, I lack moderation. And self-control. So, Saturdays are now my facebook days. I’ll just have to be out of the loop, which if fine as long as my heart is alive in God. That’s what matters.

Anyway, back to life. Back to “Mommy! Kiah’s eating the toothpaste again” and such adventures of motherhood. Back to learning to commune with the Lord in the midst of the craziness of 3 little ones, in the midst of outside pressures and the absence of regular time in a prayer room. And since this is where He has me right now, I know it’s exactly where I’m supposed to be. I trust His leadership. It’s not easy, but it’s making me strong in Him. Amen!

Update: standstill

I haven’t updated much on our foster/adopt adventure on this blog, mostly because of confidentiality issues. (I’ve been doing a little basic updating on facebook.)  To put it simply, we’re barreling through several obstacles. I don’t know why I didn’t anticipate resistance. There is an enemy out there who does not want any children to be snatched up from a life of dispair and placed in our little house of prayer.

Right now, I need to have a $500 psychological exam done in order to proceed.  I’m sure I’ll pass… if you know me, you could probably vouch for the fact that I’m not crazy! At least I hope so! But even if I do pass, it’s not a guarantee that we’ll be licensed.  We just have to trust the Lord for this one. He’s made it clear to us that we’re supposed to continue on with this, so we’re just moving forward one step at a time with a weak “yes” in our hearts.

$500 is nothing compared to what most adoptions cost, but it’s still way beyond our monthly budget. If you would like to donate to this cost, please email me and let me know.  We’re confident that the Lord will make a way. We don’t know how, but we know He will. Maybe He will use you.

Bibles and Big Kids

For Christmas we got Hadessah a “big girl” Bible… as in a “real” Bible. Not a story Bible, but one with actual chapters and verses. Actually, this wasn’t her first real Bible. We got both Hadessah and Hezekiah Bibles from the Dollar store. We told them that when they could show us that they could treat their Bibles gently and with respect, we would get them “big kid” Bibles. And since Hadessah was so gentle with hers from the start, it didn’t take her long. Hezekiah has actually been wonderful with his too, and wonderful with Hadessah’s Bible when she shares with him. So whenever we have the money, we’ll be getting Kiah a big boy Bible as well.

I realize that this seems ridiculous to a lot of people. My kids can’t read. Why in the world would I give them a Bible that has no pictures when they can’t read? And yet, if you see them with their Bibles, gently and lovingly turning the pages, feeling the pages, pointing out letters and numbers that they see, you might get the sense that they know this is no ordinary book. The Spirit testifies to their spirits that this book is something special. And as they turn those pages, hunger for His Word is awakening in their little hearts. They’re longing to be able to read His Word. Deep is calling out onto deep.

Many of us teach young children not to touch the Bible. “No! Don’t touch! That’s Mommy’s Bible”… and it’s understandable. Young children rip pages. My Bible is very precious to me and I don’t want little fingers tearing my highlighted and scribbled pages out. But I think it’s important to TRAIN children to be gentle with the Bible. Seeing as how the training process includes bumps along the way, we don’t train our children with our personal Bibles. But instead of making The Word of God off limits to them, we teach them to treasure and value it.

Even with Hosanna, I do this. I take her little puggy hand in mine and rub it on the Bible. “Bible!” I say over and over again. “This is the Word of God!” The Bible is something of great esteem in our household even from an early age.

That being said, I do want to also say that our children have picture Bibles and Bible story books as well. They enjoy these too, but they know the difference. I have to be careful with what Bible story books I allow into their collection. I just threw one on Jonah away because of bad theology. Sometimes I wonder if the people who write Bible story books even read the real story in their Bibles before they write them, or if they’re doing it from distant memory. This particular Jonah book was a rhyming one, and it seems that the author didn’t think it a big deal to change a few key details in order to make it rhyme. I’m sorry, but Jonah did not fall into the water. He was thrown into it. And he wasn’t happy to obey after being spat onto dry land. He went to Nineveh, but grudgingly.  Unfortunately for the book writers, not all the Bible stories have happy endings.

The other thing with Bible story books is that a lot of them include the “moral of the story” as some character lesson. Although I think good character lessons can be gleaned from these stories, I don’t believe that’s the fullness of it. All of the Bible stories, beginning with creation and Adam, are about the knowledge of God. In reading them, we find out who God is. All history hinges on this beautiful God and our holy Savior.  We aren’t changed in the inner man so much by following David’s example, but by seeing God reveal Himself through David’s story.  This is what we’re trying to emphasize when teaching our children Bible stories.

Do you know how many people know the story of Adam and Eve in the garden and don’t understand that the most merciful thing God could have done after the fall was to banish Adam and Eve from the garden? Do you know how many people think God was being mean… punishing them, getting back at them because He was completely disgusted with their behavior? Do you know how many people miss the fact that God was mercifully saving them from eating of the Tree of Life and living forever in their sins? You can know the story of Adam and Eve and not know the story of who God revealed Himself to be in the story of Adam and Eve. You can know all the Bible stories and never have the knowledge of God.

At any rate, I wanted to offer our reasoning behind those big kids Bibles. I know in some posts I can come off as judgmental. That, of course, is not my intention. I hope that someone somewhere is encouraged by these Mommy posts. Let us walk in the light of revelation we have from the Lord, sharing what He’s given to us and learning from what He’s given to others!

Seeing Green… Again… The Green Bible?

Lest you think I’m anti-green, I’m not. I’m not against taking care of the environment. What I’m against mixed up priorities. For my previous “Seeing Green” post, click here.  

So, Kevin and I were browsing Borders’ Christian section (which could be a post in and of itself) and came upon The Green Bible. At first I just thought it was a Bible made out of more environmentally friendly materials.  I’d have nothing against that at all. But not only is this Bible made out of those friendly materials, it is a GREEN LETTER VERSION.  That’s right folks. In many Bible’s Jesus’ words are in red. In this Bible all verses that the contributors deam as having to do with the environment or the “green” message are in green.  The words of Jesus are apparently not relevant enough to be highlighted in this way… unless they have something to do with animals, trees, etc. No matter if the actual POINT of the verse is not truly about our environment. If you look hard enough, you can make some correlation and twist the Word of God around to fit your agenda.

I’m sorry, but the message of the Tree of Life isn’t primarily and environmental one.

The Bible also contains essays relating to the green agenda. In the back of this Bible are ideas of how to be a green family or a green church. One of those ideas is to take stones and hold them while you meditate.

Oh God, forgive us!

The center of the Bible, the center of all creation, the center of life itself is the God-Man Christ Jesus! There is no life outside of Him. Where is the truth of the gospel? How can we mix new age philosophy with the Word of God and stick it in the Christian section of a bookstore?

I love kids, but I’m not about to create a Purple letter Bible where every verse I think relates to children is highlighted in purple in order to convince people of the validity of my own agenda. Read the Bible, know the heart of God and if you set your heart to love what He loves, you will see the importance of the next generation. But the Word of God isn’t primarily about children, it’s about Jesus! Everything else flows from Him and Him alone.

Lord, let Your true Word run swiftly and be glorified… even in America.

Until you’re completely shattered

Some may think the journey of Christinity is mostly about becoming more and more filled and more and more whole – a journey from glory to glory. And it is, but not in the way we often think or hope.

We sing this song “Brokeness, brokeness is what I long for. Brokeness , brokeness is what I need. Brokeness, brokeness is what You want from me.”  How many songs do we sing not having the slightest clue what we’re singing?

I find this interesting. In Daniel 12 Daniel asks “How long shall the fulfillment of these wonders be?”  speaking of the events of the End Times.  And the angel answers this:

“…And when the power of the holy people has been completely shattered, all these things shall be finished.”

I n Amos 6:11 it says “He will break the great house into bits and the little house into pieces”

So many times I cry out “How long?” regarding whatever trial I am currently faced with… How long God? How long is this going to last? How long am I going to be under this pressure? How long until You break in and change things?

I feel like the answer, more times than I would like, is “when your power is completely shattered, this trial will be finished.”

I am His to crush and to break. My heart is His to shatter into a million pieces. I am His to refine, and though it hurts, He is bringing me into maturity. I am the clay on that wheel, being brutally molded and shaped, pushed and squeezed, undone in His hands. This is what it means to be conformed into the image of His Son.  Why do we (American) Christians so often forget about the cross? Why do we skip over the message that we must die daily? Why are we surprised when everything doesn’t happen quickly and easily in our lives?

He WILL break, but He WILL mend. And there is life in the breaking if we yield our hearts to it. There’s joy in the process when we give up our agenda and follow His. His leadership is perfect, and He always acts in perfect love. Always.

Wholeness is found in being broken at His feet. So, have Your way Jesus.

“Great Mom”

Kevin’s grandma, who Hadessah has lovingly refered to as “greatmom” (easier than great grandma?) passed away at four a.m. on Hezekiah’s birthday. We spent the past two days at her wake and funeral.  There’s something about funerals that “hurt so good”… the pain of losing a loved one brings eternity so close to home.

In Velma’s case, it’s a time to rejoice as she knew and loved the Lord. Though I didn’t have a lot of memories of her, I felt a special kinship with her. When we moved to Kansas City and began raising support, Velma cheerfully and faithfully supported us with her $25 a month. Though this might seem like a small amount of money, we knew it wasn’t a meager amount to her. It was a sacrifice, and she gave it because she was truly a woman of prayer. These past few years we’ve exchanged letters and pictures reguarly and I grew to adore this beautiful woman of God.

Although she won’t be in the history books of this age, she is one of my heros. She loved her husband WELL. She loved her family WELL. And she loved the Lord WELL. When the difficulties of age kept her from serving those she loved, she served the Lord in prayer. She hungered and thirsted for His Word. She had a burden to have the assurance that all of her children were saved and that they were walking with the Lord. She spoke out boldly against Kevin’s brother’s gambling, not afraid to ruffle feathers. She wanted to lead him to pursue righteousness.  She had some fire in those aching bones!

When her husband died in 2005, she wanted so much to be done with this life. She loved him so much, so dearly and was so lonely in his absence. But she surrendered herself to God’s will, assured that He had good reason for keeping her on this earth. She was hoping to hold out until Jesus’ return. She longed for her bridegroom.

I have so many dreams for my life… so many things I want to do and acomplish. But in the end one’s legacy comes down to how they loved. I want to love well just as she did.