Hadessah

Hadessah was our first, and of course we had no idea what we were doing. We got pregnant with her when we had been married a little over a month. My pregnancy with her was tumultuous, my labor with her was amazing (simply because I didn’t really think I could do it naturally and I did!) Hadessah is my beautiful, strong willed, determined, fiery, emotional, melodramatic, sensitive girl. She keeps me on my toes and on my knees. She’s predictable unpredictable and I will vote her the most likely to do whatever she puts her mind to. She’s tenacious. She can go from perfectly fine to a major meltdown in 3 seconds flat. She wants to be a doctor, teacher, storekeeper and Mommy when she grows up. She’s very, very smart, but it’s a work at it smart. If you ever express doubt that she can do something she’ll prove you wrong.

She’s my writer. She has already written an autobiography. She writes notes and puts them all over the house. “The girls are taking a bath in here”, “That’s my baby”, even shopping lists on the walls (eieiei!) She loves language. She’s quirky, yes. Yes, you may have seen her throwing a tantrum like a 2 year old. But make no mistake: this girl is destined for GREAT things. She has the determination and the drive. There are fears to conquer, but there is no stopping this girl in the end. Her giggle can make anyone laugh.

Hezekiah

Hezekiah was our surprise pregnancy. We were going to wait until Hadessah was a year old before getting pregnant again, but didn’t make it quite that far. He was born 17 months after Hadessah. My pregnancy with Hezekiah was like a dream. No sickness, no pain. It was wonderful, but God was teaching me to trust in different ways. I didn’t have any health insurance or prenatal care until the end of my pregnancy with him. I was induced a week after my due date and he was my shortest labor: an hour and a half! Then, when he was a few weeks old, he developed eczema that got infected and he ended up losing weight instead of gaining. He landed in the hospital at 4 months old with failure to thrive, but only after screaming for 3 months straight. His infancy was the hardest time in my life, but when he was around 9 months old, things got better. Much better.

He started crawling at 5 months, pulling himself up so well that everyone thought he’d be walking at 9 months, but he waited until he was a year. He ended up being a very chunky baby at that point… he really hasn’t stopped eating since. He must still be trying to prove that diagnosis wrong!

Hezekiah knew all of his letters and letter sounds by 18 months. By the time he was 2, he was stringing letters together to spell words. He was reading by the time he was 4 and when I tested him in August, he was reading at a 1st grade level. Now he’s 5 and reads large portions of the Bible by himself.

He has no time and no necessity for details. He knows Bible stories, but does it really matter if he gets all the character’s names correct? He starts most sentences off with “Well…” . For a couple years there he wouldn’t stop talking about his pretend Mommy. Apparently she let him stay up late and eat cake at all hours of the day. Whenever I told him “no”, he would say “Well, my pretend Mommy let’s me do that!” He has such an active imagination. I have no idea where he comes up with the stuff he comes up with, but nearly everything he says is hilarious. He talks like he’s much older than he is.

He has the need to be the boss in all play situations. He tells everyone what they’re going to do and when to do it and if they don’t listen, he begins to manipulate. He’s melodramatic too. If he asks me for something more to eat (which he does quite often) and I say “hold on a minute”, he often responds with something like “I’m never going to get to eat again! And then I’ll just starve and waste away to nothing!”

He’s obsessed with Toy Story. He enjoys movies and sweets, but he still loves to cuddle and read books together. Currently, he wants to be a zookeeper and preacher (at the same time. He’ll lock the animals up when he goes to preach a sermon.) AND an astronaut and president. He started standing on a chair and “preaching” from his Bible before he could talk intelligibly. The astronaut thing is new and will likely pass, but I’m not sure as to the rest.

Here’s to Kiah Man. May he always be as bold as a lion.

Hosanna

HHosanna was born 17 months after Hezekiah. We prayed for and tried for her and were delighted when we found out we were pregnant with this sweet gem. Hers was the most difficult pregnancy. I was SICK, sick, sick in the first trimester and had such horrible, horrible back pain that I was in a wheelchair during my last trimester. But oh my goodness, was she ever worth it all! My labor with her was a little longer – 2 1/2 hours, induced 3 days after my due date because we moved back to St. Louis 2 weeks later. I danced a lot in worship when I was pregnant with her… even did wheelchair dancing. I think about that when I see her twirling. It’s precious to me.

Hosanna is incredibly sweet. She’s a cuddler. She’s very quiet and shy in public, but talks my ear off at home. She is very considerate of others. If I ever even mumble a complaint of pain, the first thing she says is “Let me pray for you.” She prays for others quite a bit. She has almost zero interest in anything academic. She’s 3 1/2 and doesn’t know her colors or letters yet. It’s really not worth my frustration in trying to teach her. She’s just not interested yet. She finally got around to walking when she was almost 16 months old. She was very cautious when she was learning to walk. She’s just as laid back as a third child can be, but she won’t be pushed around. She’s very nurturing and is having a ball taking care of Joel now. He doesn’t boss her around, so she will take off his shoes and coat for him when we get home and put them away. This little girl is a delight and she’s gorgeous! Daddy may need to invest in a gun when she gets older and boys start taking interest. She’s a girly girl and loves her hair. Oh, she’s so squeezable.

Humility (Millie)

We were trying to adopt before Millie, and when that didn’t work out like we had hoped, we decided to dull the pain through pregnancy. (Am I being that honest? I guess so.) This is what we got! Millie came along 25 months after Hosanna. She was very, very active in my womb… so active that I was convinced she was a boy… but she’s just Millie! She came out thinking she could conquer the world. She doesn’t take no for an answer. How many times can she fall off the chair before giving up on her mission to grab something from the counter? I’ll let you know when- if -she finally gives up! My pregnancy with her was a sweet time with the Lord and my labor with her was nearly picture perfect.. my first home birth, 99% pain free, in water, in our prayer tent. AMAZING! So filled with grace! She’s a little thing… just got into 12 month clothes at 17 months, and her pants still fall off of her sometimes. She’s so active, and yet she’s an excellent sleeper. She’s clingy to me, but has a sweet temperament. She seems to be the most athletic of the bunch. She is bright eyed, full of light, full of wonder. She was crawling at 5 months, like Kiah but started walking earlier. By the time she was a year, I was chasing after her as she ran out the door. She’s still not talking. She only says “Dada”, “Mama” and “Dessah”, but I think that’s just because she’s too busy planning her next adventure.

Harvest Joel

We started dreaming about trying to adopt again when I was pregnant with Millie. We found out we could start the process to adopt from Ethiopia when Millie was 7 months old. We did and were redirected to domestic. Then God opened up the door to this precious boy.

We’re just getting to know him and that’s not always easy. His medical history and history in general is still mostly a mystery to us. He doesn’t speak much, can’t tell us what’s going on or what’s wrong. He has some special needs and learning how to meet his needs is a learning process. It’s not always easy, but it is SO worth it! He’s very affectionate and his laugh is something else. He’s delightful and fun and pretty funny a lot of times. We have a lifetime to get to know each other and we are so glad God chose us as his forever family. He is so kind to allow us to be a family to this precious boy.  He has meshed right into our family and our other children have welcomed him with open arms. They adore him and he seems to enjoy them. This little boy loves life and is teaching us to enjoy life more ourselves.

In the Fall I will have more to write as God expands our family once again. I love watching our story unfold, love reading this living novel written by the Supreme Author. We also really believe that there are two more children out there that we will adopt someday. We don’t know when God will bring our Hope and Honor to us, but we look forward to that day as well.

I love how each personality is so distinct and so precious. Every life matters. Every life is precious. Every life is valuable. I have a high and noble calling to train these children up in the ways of the Lord. This calling matters so much more than I dare to believe most days. This is my destiny. I have these eternal souls in my care…

“In the multidue of people is a king’s honor” Prov. 14:28

Have Your honor, Your glory in our home, King Jesus!

For those who have never gone through the adoption or foster process, I’ll explain a little. You are given a form, or more likely several forms with very similar (if not duplicate) questions of what you will accept. Will you accept a child of a different race? Yes, No or will consider. Will you accept a child with mild visual impairments? Yes, No or will consider. Will you consider a child with an extra finger or toe? What about missing a finger or toe? What about missing an arm or a leg? A child with a cleft palate? What about a child who is blind? Deaf? Malnourished? What about a child with Spina Bifida? Downs Syndrome? HIV? Autism? Other genetic disorders? What about a child who will need major surgery?  What about a child who is not expected to live past childhood?

In other words, how far are you willing to go? How big is your yes? How much are you willing to trust God?

I’m not saying it’s wrong to choose “no” on any of those questions. We said no on two things, things that just seemed like they wouldn’t fit with our family or were too overwhelming to think about. But our goal was this: to expand our “yes” and make it as big as possible. To trust Him with whatever grace He would give us. Saying no to a child felt very much like saying no to Him. It felt like Song of Solomon’s “You go leap on the mountains. I’ll stay here, thankyouverymuch.”  (Please read:  this is the process God was taking us through. It’s most likely not applicable to all situations.)

So we said yes to a variety of special needs, believing that if we were chosen to parent one of those precious children, God would give us the grace to do so. And we were chosen for a precious, joyful, handsome boy. We’ve disrupted birth order and thrown ourselves into a world we haven’t had to navigate previously, a world of therapies, specialists,  special school district, trying to understand what our son is attempting to tell us… a whole new world. We know there will be challenges ahead of us. Aren’t there always? But we cannot describe the sheer joy that this precious boy has brought into our family.

80-90% of babies with Down Syndrome are aborted.

In Nazi Germany, having Down Syndrome was a death sentence. It made you worthy of a concentration camp or of being lined up and shot.

And yet I was secretly hoping to welcome a child with DS into our home. Why? Because adults with DS have the highest rate of satisfaction with their lives. I think the world could use more of that, not less. And this little boy will reveal God to us in a new and beautiful way. And because he is pure in heart, we know that he will SEE GOD!

Thank you Jesus for Your amazing mercies! Thank You for enlarging our capacity for love and for enriching our lives with this precious addition to our family!

Tuesday I was in the middle of writing a blog post about how I asked God for a match by Christmas, but He doesn’t always answer my prayers. Truly, it looked so impossible that it was going to happen. While I was writing, I got the call!

We have been matched with an adorable, sweet 7 year-old boy with Downs Syndrome. 

Yes, I know. That’s much different than we were thinking too! But it’s SO God and everything has just come together in such an amazing way. It’s a long story… one that I can’t tell here and now, follow our journey on Facebook this next week. We are leaving for Oklahoma on Sunday night. Placement will take place Tuesday morning! We are SO incredible excited and overwhelmed with gratitude. God is so incredibly amazing! 

Merry Christmas to us!

The short of it is: I am finally at peace with adopting an infant. 

I still don’t understand my 2 distinct dreams about adopting a black toddler, but I’ve let my own understanding go. Enough to put up the crib. 

We’ve been presented to 5 birth-mothers so far. That means 5 chances to say “Yes” and hearing 5 “No”s. I have no idea how many “opportunities to say yes” we’ll have before our “Yes” is returned with a “Yes”.  (Okay the quotation marks are getting annoying. I’ll use CAPS instead.) All I know is that each YES is a YES to Him. Each YES is recorded in Heaven. Each one counts. Each one moves His heart. And so if we are “rejected” 50 times, I choose not to look at it as being rejected. Instead that would mean there are 50 YESes recorded in His book of remembrance. 50 opportunities to ravish His heart. What a beautiful opportunity. 

Before we moved to Kansas city, we thought we were doing pretty good because we tithed and occasionally gave a little extra to a missionary or something. We were kind of proud of ourselves for that. I made $44,000 and Kevin made maybe $20,000. We had one child, went out to eat weekly and to the movies once or twice a month. We had cable. We didn’t feel like we had tons of extra money, but we were just happy that we could pay our bills (unlike during our first year of marriage).

We moved to Kansas City and got wrecked. We raised support and frankly weren’t any good at it. We raised enough to be full time missionaries for a year, then Kevin had to get a job to supplement. Even in our support raising time we used credit cards. We racked up a lot of debt buying groceries. The one thing we couldn’t put on a credit card was our rent, and in that area, God miraculously provided for us. I look back now and wonder how many more miraculous 11th hour breakthroughs would we have seen if we had ditched the credit and walked in true faith (not faith with a plan B in the back pocket).

We move back to St. Louis and the only job Kevin can find pays $9 an hour. We live in an apartment. Total utilities are $80 a month. We are eeking by, still using credit cards for groceries. We are on WIC and Medicaid. I wonder each month whether we’ll be able to pay the rent.  We’re tithing, but not giving a penny extra. We make it through that year.

We buy a house. Kevin has gotten a new job with a slight raise, but really we are not sure how we are going to afford the house payment being that it’s $100 more a month plus utilities (and we had no idea about the utilities) but we KNOW THAT WE KNOW THAT WE KNOW THAT WE KNOW that this house is God’s will for our family. I mean, we are SURE. We know it will be a stretch, but we believe we can do it because we know it’s God.

It’s an old, big house and we find that the utilities are 7Xs what we were paying in the apartment. I get hired on at Southgate, which helps. Then God challenges us to get off WIC, then off Medicaid, then off Holy Harvest (church’s food pantry). We do this, even though on paper it looks like we can’t afford to. We do it because we know it’s God. Without medicaid, we deal with very large medical bills, but then Kevin gets hired on at the bank and starts bonusing. His bonus every month is just what we need to pay the medical bills.  We have never been late on a bill. We have been able to pay our bills in full every month. We are tithing, and now giving a little extra a month.

One day I’m reading the “give to everyone who asks you” verse, arguing with God about how that’s impossible. Give to everyone who asks? Do you know how many emails and letters we get in the mail asking for money? All are good causes, but no one could possibly give to everyone. God challenges us to try Him. In our budget, we have every dollar allocated and there are no extra dollars to give away. But we say okay and try this experiment. We give just $5 to everyone who asks. It ends up being around $200 at the end of the month… $200 that we didn’t have on paper, but somehow we ended up having it to give. No missed bills.

I don’t believe that giving $5 to every charity that asks through a letter in the mail is quite what that verse means. Jesus only did what He saw the Father doing and He didn’t heal every sick person all the time. It was an experiment to teach us to trust.

We moved forward on adopting, knowing that we don’t have $30,000. Every dollar in our budget is allocated. We don’t have cable, go out to eat once a month only, don’t go to the movies.. really don’t go much of anywhere. We have what we need. We are thankful. We are happy. But we do not have $30,000! Then God begins to challenge us to give more… to give a certain percentage of our income ABOVE our tithe. Again, on paper, we don’t have that percentage above our tithe to give. It doesn’t exist. But we know this is God, so we move in faith.

And guess what? We DO have it to give. God gives it to us so we can give it away.

This is so counter cultural. Everyone would tell us to save, save, save. We need a large amount of money for this adoption. We should be saving every penny. But God told us to give, give, give and trust that we can’t out give Him.

We still don’t have $30,000, but we believe we will.

God math is different than our math, right?

I’m not trying to draw attention to ourselves. I’m trying to encourage YOU, whoever you are, to trust God and follow His voice in regards to finances.  We are playing JV. God is wanting to move us into this deeper.

I get so very frustrated that the Noeth’s don’t have enough financial support to go to Indonesia right NOW. It’s not just a fly-by-night dream. It’s been on their heart for so long. Come on church, let’s do this. Let’s get behind them. Let’s funnel finances into Kingdom purposes.

If we weren’t adopting, maybe we’d have more money for things that would be nice to have. Our washer and drier are on opposite sides of our very large basement. To fix the electrical problem and get them to be side by side like “normal people”, it would cost $300. Kevin and I share a steak knife. (For real). We have all that we need, but we’ve had to redefine need. What’s more important? Towels that match or redeeming a life? I so want a dishwasher, but I want Harvest more. We would really like a second vehicle, but I want more than to be able to get out of the house. I want my destiny.

Give, give, give! Give when it hurts. Give when it’s easy. This is not a fundraising plea. Give to us if you want to. But give to the Noeths or to the Clausens or to the prayer movement… Just Give! Let’s do this together.

Follow His voice.

Last Tuesday we were informed that there were “major concerns” with our adoption paperwork, due to our lack of net worth. We were told that there was a 50% chance of us being rejected by Ethiopia, and that rejection would come after we had already gone to Ethiopia to meet “our” child. This was a lot of risk… and we decided too much unless we heard clearly from the Lord that we were to proceed.

A lot of people were praying for wisdom and discernment and on Friday, we experienced a breakthrough of peace in that respect. We switched to domestic.

I haven’t a clue how all of the pieces fit together. As best as I can figure, this is all about timing. If we knew we were going domestic, we would have started months ago. But we’ve got to believe that now is the right time, not then, and that these twists and turns are only part of a grand adventure that we don’t understand yet.

Maybe I’m selfish… I have 4 children and I want more… but a piece of our family has seemed to be missing ever sense we decided to begin our adoption journey 2 1/2 years ago. Our house is so big and is longing to be filled. I have tried to detach myself and I just can’t. So, here I am jumping into an abyss that I can’t see the bottom of, heart exposed and vulnerable. I would rather live that way than all closed up inside. I would rather risk the bleeding, knowing that there’s redemption in all things when you turn them over to the Lord.

I don’t fully trust that this will all work out the way I’ve dreamed, but I know that He has called us to it and He will be faithful.. so we move forward.

In our home there are many maps, many cultural books from Africa and beyond, and so in one way I’m mourning the loss of that heritage meshed with our own. Maybe I will only visit those foreign lands in my prayers. Or maybe there is still a “someday” for international adoption for us. Maybe not. I am not the author of my story.

But I know my story has a good Author.

And I can’t wait to read the next chapter.

So, here’s our solution: on odd numbered days we do PRAYER time and on even numbered day we do PRAISE time. Praise time includes a time of spontaneous thanksgiving, reading a psalm (Hadessah or Hezekiah reads it!) and playing worship songs and dancing to them. It has been SWEET.

I always want to go deeper, deeper, deeper… on depth calls to the next saying “come deeper”… and my children are coming with me!

We don’t have the money yet, but we’re optimistic, idealistic and perhaps naive. And we’re doing our first fundraiser (details later in case you’ve missed it).

Asking others for $ (aka: fundraising) is something that didn’t set well with us in the beginning. Our main reason for initially being hesitant to jump on the intercessory missionary train was that we didn’t want to ask others for money. God we’ll do anything for You, but leave us our pride. We were really, really bad at support raising, but God showed Himself so gracious even in that weakness.  Still, we breathed a sigh of relief when we once again joined the “normal” world of 9-5ish, regular employment.

But I’ll tell you this: I LOVE being able to give towards other people’s adoptions. We have tried to do so for the past few years, depending on our current income. Sometimes it’s a small amount, other times we’ve been able to give larger sums. The amount doesn’t matter as much. The beyond cool thing is, by helping someone bring a child into their family via adoption, we’ve gotten to stake a claim into their destiny. We get eternal reward and we get to play a part in every single life that child will touch. We get to partner with God in the great miracle of redemption. What can compare with that? We could go out to a nice dinner or we could reap an eternal reward with lasting implications. Seriously? We GET to do this. It’s so exciting. God’s economy is so different from ours. The returns in eternal investments blow my mind. But, there is a cost. There’s always a cost.

How much did your redemption cost?

Oh yes, the life of the Son of God. Talk about blood, sweat and tears.

We can talk about how wrong it is that adopting costs so much. There are so many crazy fees and why in the world are things so complicated. Surely there have been abuses in the system, but what would it mean if it was all cheap and easy? It wouldn’t be a very good reflection of our adoption into God’s family. He made us children of God. And it wasn’t cheap and easy.

I don’t understand the timing here. There’s this whole swirl of troubled times coming and in my limited, earthly understanding it really doesn’t seem like the best time to be attempting to gather $30,000 together to bring a child from Ethiopia to St. Louis. But we truly believe this is what God has called us to. We’ve asked again and again and we feel His prompting to do this thing that’s been on our hearts for so long. And my understanding is just that: limited. We have to bring ourselves back to the fact that God is in complete control. All finances are in His hands. He is the God who provides. He is not worried or stressed. His economy is oh, so different than ours. Ours says you’d better hold on to what you’ve got or you will be empty handed when you really need something to get you through. God’s economy says to LET GO. Give where and when He calls You to give and trust Him to provide your for your needs when they come. He is so faithful.

So many times He’s called us to give away that last $20 in our bank account and we have NEVER so much as gone with out one meal because of it. Have we gone without something that we may have liked to have? Yes. Have we gone without something that we needed. NO! He is so good. So faithful.

All this to say: Give us money.

Okay, that’s *partly* a joke. We’re doing what we can. We’re going without a lot of stuff that most people in America wouldn’t know how to go without. We’re looking at reasonable, normative things that we could do with our money and saying “Harvest is more important”. We’re not expecting someone else to pick up the bill. We ARE expecting God to provide, and throughout the ages He has used other people to do so.

Our first fundraiser is our adoption T-Shirts. Jack Whitney has come up with some great art for us. We’re taking ads for the back of our t-shirts, so if you have a small business or know someone who does, it would be a good opportunity for a walking advertisement. (suggested donation: $75). We’re also taking signatures (suggested donation: $25) because it’s FUN. Yes, people can give without getting their signature on our shirt, but it’s more fun to see all those names and see how God uses His body, working together, to accomplish His purposes on earth. We’ll also sell the t-shirts for $15.

Whether you’re in town or not, please consider joining with us by giving us your signature (on a plain white note card with a fine point black sharpie – out of towners can mail it to us, just let us know it’s on the way) or purchasing a t-shirt.

If this is all offensive to you and likely to come in between our friendship, then please feel free to just ignore it. God brought water from a ROCK and He is able to redeem this life without your money. The only one who will miss out on anything is you. If you’re okay with that, I’m purposing in my heart to be okay with it too.

Regardless, we appreciate your prayers. Many don’t understand why we’re doing this when we’ve got 4 children of our own and are not struggling with infertility. I can’t really explain why besides the fact that when God puts something on your heart, you do it. I’ve written about adoption. I’ve prayed for adoption. We call ourselves pro-life. We are now going to walk out what we’ve written, said and prayed. God is raising us a people who have His heart for the fatherless. We want to partner with Him. We want our hearts to beat in line with His. We want to be His hands and feet. We want to go as far with Him as He will allow. We want to help bring Harvest to America.

We’re in the home study process right now. After all the paperwork is accounted for and our face to face training on the 21st is done, they’ll allow us to schedule our interviews and complete our home study. So far, the process has been laced with grace. We’re not that far into it and haven’t even tried to raise money yet, so we’ll see how things pan out. If how it’s gone so far is any indication of how it will continue to go, God is in this. I try not to think too much about the money part… we have a few months to come up with around $6,000. Then we’ll have a few months to come up with another chunk. Then we’ll have until travel time to come up with another chunk. One step at a time. God has really blessed us financially lately and we’re trying to be wise stewards of that. We still want to give extravagantly and live minimally, yet we want to funnel money into this adoption… and there’s the added element of preparation for what’s to come (emergency preparedness) and the money that entails. Prayers, as always, are appreciated. Wisdom is continually needed.

In other news, my novel is on hold right now. It is written, but needs some tweaking. Then it needs to be edited. Then published. I’m not sure what to do, as it could be a fundraising tool but those things cost money up front and I’m not sure if it’s a wise investment right now. Again, wisdom needed.

Oh, there’s so much more I’d like to say…

It will have to wait for another time…

Only, I’ll say this: I’ve been “seeing” red trucks. I’ve been pondering the possible prophetic implications of bringing Harvest to America. I have a burden for altars to be built in families RIGHT NOW.. as in there’s no time to waste.. and this will be a major, heavy strategy of kingdom advance in the days ahead (read: sooner than we think). I’ve been asking God a lot of questions, one of the themes being St. Louis as a city of refuge. I’ve been wondering how all of this fits together. I’ve been mourning my own dullness and the dullness of my ears to hear what He is saying. Everything in the earth has gone crazy and is going to go crazier.

I want to be unmovable, unshakable, let my roots go down deep…