Random thoughts about my children

The kids and I were out at dinner tonight and got a compliment that really made my day.

“Your kids are really well behaved. You don’t see that much anymore.”

Oh my goodness I wanted to bear hug that old man. I haven’t gotten a compliment on the kids’ behavior in over a year, I think. Most of the time I get those “get control of your kids” looks from people… or maybe I’m just paranoid and insecure, but I just want to say “I’m trying, really I am, but see I have 3 little kids and only 2 hands, so you’re just going to have to cut me some slack.” My mom thinks we’re too strict with them. Sometimes I feel like we’re not strict enough. We’re really trying to be consistent, to mean what we say, to follow through, to not overlook or play down rebellion (which the Bible says is like witchcraft)… but really the bottom line is that these little people are…. people… and I have they have their own minds and feelings and will and I can’t control them like a puppeter.  99% of the time I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing with them. God may have graced me with the ability to teach them, but the whole behavior thing is not my strength. Nor is potty training, but that’s a different story…

My dear Hosanna is 1. How did that happen? Yeah, kids grow fast, but she’s grown abnormally fast. And yet she is no where near walking yet, so I get to enjoy her baby stage a little longer. She’s been so fun! So content, peaceful, playful… a true joy! This year with her has certainly been different than the other kids’ first years. And yet, I’m really kind of sad that she’s 1. Perhaps it’s because I’m not pregnant this time around with another baby to look forward to.

Not that I’m a fan of the baby stage. It’s my least favorite stage. I kind of fumble through it until they start naming letters and colors and then I perk up.

As much as Hosanna and Hadessah look alike, I’m glad that their personalities are not identical. Don’t get me wrong. I ADORE Hadessah. She’s so smart, funny, and very sensitive to other’s feelings. She’s a true intercessor and I really think she could be a prayer leader by age 7. She says the most profound things and we have so much fun together. But she’s not a complacent, content child. I say left and she says right. I say stand and she sits. She’s head strong, strong willed, whatever you want to call it, she would try to reason me into the grave if I let her. She’s like ME and that’s why it bothers me so much. Really, it used to be when a preacher would say “Let’s stand” something in me would grit my teeth and say “I’d like to remain seated THANK YOU VERY MUCH!” Oh, that seed of rebellion… not wanting to be submitted to anyone else, wanting to always lead… The Holy Spirit has had to work with me so much on this as an adult (because I wasn’t discliplined hardly AT ALL as a child).

Time will only tell who Hosanna will blossom into, but for now when I tell her to come to me she hurries on over. My little child of promise!

We’re waiting for Harvest, even though we’re not even sure what that means. Just that God will bring this child to us at some point. When I watch my kids playing it’s as if something’s missing… someone’s missing. It’s like a dull ache that gets covered over with the business of life, but when I reflect on him there’s a groaning within me.  I don’t even know how this thing works… the spirit of adoption that people talk about, preach about… how do I love this little boy whom I don’t even know? Have never seen? How can I keep hoping when it seems so unreachable right now? But I do know that God is faithful to begin what He started in me. So we wait on Him.

I realize that this post has been all over the place. All these random thoughts just waiting to be written…

And I’m back…

The past three months have been full of drama… I guess it’s only appropriate since I’d been working on a movie. I’d rather not recount the ups and downs and all arounds we’ve been through. Suffice to say: We’re getting a house. A beautiful, unusual, 6 bedroom, full of potential house. When I had a dream about moving into the Magic House when Kiah was 2 1/2, I had no idea what to make of it. Turns out, this old house with it’s “hidden staircase” reminds me of the Magic House.

We’ve tried to buy a house a couple of times before, but it’s never been the right timing. When we looked back on it, it was obvious. In the past our desire for a house was rooted in either the “American Dream” or in a desire to just be settled somewhere, anywhere because we were tired of moving every year. Now, though, it’s more than a house. It’s a building for the Hanks’ House of Prayer. And it’s room for whatever children God will send our way. Room for our Harvest. Room for the 2+1.

When it looked like it was impossible for us to get this house… when it looked like the financing was going to fall through… I was trying to keep up my faith that we would get A house, but I couldn’t dare to believe that we would get THIS house.  I went a different way to work due to traffic, and I was at a stoplight and looked over at the building to the left of the street. 311 was in big numbers. 311 is the address of this house. I got to work and filled check # 311. And that was enough to stir up my faith to believe that despite the seeming impossibility, this house was ours.

I know, I know… me and numbers. Me and these little, seemingly insignificant signs. I always think God is talking to me through the ordinary. I wouldn’t want to live any other way. God is always speaking and I’m always on His mind.

You see, when we want to emphasize something, we use all caps or bold font or underline. In the culture of the Bible, when they (or God) wanted to emphasize something, it was said twice. Verily, Verily. So when something out of the ordinary grabs my attention because it happened twice, I try and figure out what God is saying.

When Derek came to town, we got a CD by Amelia Scott. She goes by Amy. Two days later Kevin mentions that our lender at the time was named Amelia but went by Amy. Up until that point, I’d never heard of anyone named Amelia that went by Amy. So I looked up the name meanings… Amelia Amy means “Work Beloved”… And that little whisper kept me from quitting my job when all I wanted to do was walk out. I didn’t have to pray about whether or not I should just leave. I knew God had told me to work, so I perservered.

On the way home from picking up the kids, we hit a dead stop on the highway. We waiting there for a long time. When traffic got moving again, we sped right along. The next day, we hit a dead stop on a different highway. Again, we were stopped for awhile, but once we got going… we went at highway speed. Through that I felt like God was saying that although our adoption journey has been at a dead stop, once it gets moving, it will get moving.

It’s those types of things that make people think I’m a religious, superstitious nut. But it’s those little encouragements that add excitement in my walk with the Lord. I love to dream dreams. I love to get a download of revelation from a verse in the Bible. I love the quiet whispers and the loud shouts. I just love to hear Him speak. Though I love Him through times of silence, it IS true that “just one word from You can shatter 1,000 lies”

I know that God put me in the movie job and I know that now He has placed me back home. I want to love Him everywhere He puts me. I want my fragerence to arise in every place. And now my incense can again be mixed with the insence of my children… loving Him together here. Their prayers are powerful. Their questions are so honest. Their faith is admirable. Their laughs invoke the smile of God. There is no where I’d rather be.

2+1= Prophetic Destiny

Our adoption journey is still at a standstill in the natural, but God has been moving in the Spirit.  I am a dreamer (yes, literally!) and this all started with a dream over a year ago about a boy we’d adopt as a toddler. Then came another dream in which I gave birth to a toddler and named him Harvest.

With all the opposition, I was ready to say that the foster care system is not the right way for us. Maybe those dreams weren’t literal.  Maybe I’m just spiritually pregnant with a harvest of souls?

And yet God keeps speaking. And He’s speaking of 1+2. One child that would come to us first, and then two more that would follow together. The first one’s siblings is what I’m thinking. Twins? Or just a sibling group of two. I’m not sure. It’s like a treasure hunt and I’m eagerly anticipating the outcome.

I had a dream in which I was pregnant with 1 baby, and while I was pregnant with that baby, I got pregnant again with twins. I knew that they’d have to do a c-section to get the first baby out when he was ready, but they’d leave the twins inside of me for a little while longer until they were full term. In the first dream that started all of this, “Harvest” had two older siblings, one boy and one girl.  In the dream I had while I was pregnant with Hadessah, I was pregnant with triplets. One girl and two boys. I knew this because two of them were wearing pants and one was wearing a dress!

And it’s not just dreams. I was sitting in the parkinglot of Schnucks waiting for Kevin while he was picking up a couple things. I look to my right and there was a huge red truck. I look to my left and there was another huge red truck. I thought that was ironic and said to myself “Maybe God is trying to tell me something”. Then I quickly dismissed that. “Why do you always think everything is prophetic. Sometimes trucks are just trucks!” Then I said “Okay God, if You’re speaking to me, let another red truck like vehicle pull in right in front of me.” A minute later, here comes a big red jeep. It pulls in and parks in the spot directly in front of our car. I begin to laugh hysterically, but I have no idea what this means.

My friend LeeAnna tells me that she feels it means we have a ministry of redemption that will go tough places others can not go (because vehicles speak of ministries and trucks can go places other vehicles can’t go)… Then I put 2 and 1 together and realize that the jeep was different than the “twin” trucks, but they were all bright red… A ministry of redemption for 3 specific people, a group of 2 and a group of 1!

Then I’m driving down Olive… which I do a lot now. Kevin works off of Olive, I work between Olive and Page, Hosanna’s doctor’s on Olive as well as the psychologist I had my eval with… Olive, olive, olive… I’m driving and I see “Harvest Lane”… I turn down this little street, hoping to see a house for sale since we’re looking to buy a house… the street ends, and I make a right on Engle to turn around… only Harvest Lane continues there, with a sign that says “Harvest Acres”… I go down there and it dead ends. I turn around and going back up Harvest Lane I run into “Harvest Court”… Three Harvests… a group of 2 (lane) and a group of 1 (court)…

Am I nuts? I beleive God speaks today. I believe He’s showing me glimpses of His goodness to spur us on in our journey. I believe we will adopt 3 children from the system… even though the rules say we could only have 2. Could this all mean something else? Something different? Yes, it could. Could it be at a different timing? Yes it could! It could be after our kids are grown and out of the house! But it could be sooner. And I want my heart prepared for whatever God wants to bring our way. I want to partner with Him in His purposes. I want to tell my little Harvest(s) about how God led them straight to us. What a story that will be!

Quick Update

There’s been so much going on in my heart since I began this job, but I haven’t had time to write. And I don’t have enough time now to go into much detail. Suffice to say that God is good. His leadership is good, perfect and right. Here I was filling out applications for some kind of teaching position. After Kevin lost his job, we decided that whoever found a job first would work. So we were both looking. I didn’t want to go back to work long term. I know my place is with my children. That is the highest and most important job there is. But for awhile now I’ve been feeling as if God was preparing me to reenter to workforce. So… I was doing my stuff, highlighting my strengths in cover letters, focusing on working with kids, because THAT’S WHAT I DO!

And then my friend Shannon emailed me and told me that her job was looking for a temporary office person. Working with kids? No. Filing and making copies! Do you need my resume that I worked on updating? Nope. Just come in on Monday. Literally… God laid this in my lap! I didn’t have to do anything but say “uh, okay”.

It’s so ridiculous to my understanding. I’m working for the entertainment industry! I don’t even like the entertainment industry! I’m fundementally against it for the most part. We just put our TV in the closet! We don’t watch movies hardly at all anymore. I don’t even think George Clooney is good looking! And the last job I had the was remotely accounting related lasted one day before they decided I was not the person for the job.

I am SO out of place here it’s ridiculous. I stick out way worse than a sore thumb. I don’t cuss, drink or laugh at their jokes. I’m not a Californian. I can not  get my mind around how much money is spent here on things that don’t matter… things that will only burn. I just put my little headphones on and listen to the Bible on MP3 while I make my happy little copies.

I’m not completely sure why I’m here. I just know that GOD put me here and I will stay until He makes it clear I am to leave or until the show’s done and everyone goes back to CA.  But here are two thoughts of what God is up to:

1. He has ordained that incense should go forth from every place. Every place. There is so much darkness here, and I can love Him in the midst of it. I can pray and worship and devour His Word. And just love on Him. Just tell Him that He’s beautiful. In the midst of the darkness, I can wrestle to be His resting place. And, yes. If that’s all this is about, that’s enough.

2.  I also had a dream where a girl I work with came to know Christ through Shannon and I praying here together. Oh, let it be so!

That’s all there’s time for. There’s much more to say about how God’s leading in our foster/adoptive journey… I’ll get around to it eventually!

The sword of flaming fire

I’m back to reading Genesis, and am enthralled. I am in awe of the passionate, fiery zeal of God. His longing for us. Us! The love relationship between the infinite God and humanity eminates from the story of Adam and Eve. We should correct that termonology though. If you look close, Eve isn’t named “Eve” until after the fall. Before God pronounces the curse, she is simply “The woman”.

Look at this: God finishes pronouncing the portion of the curse that pertains to Adam and then “Adam called his wife’s name ‘Eve’ because she was the mother of all the living.” Gen. 3:20

That seems, at first glance, to be a little out of place. Why would he rename her then and there? Can you feel the reaction, the deep sorrow that came out of the fall? In pronouncing the curse, God also declares that their redemption would come from the Seed. The enemy would be triumped over by the Seed. (vs. 15) At this moment, everything shifts. Before, Adam had named Eve “woman” because of her relationship to him.  Man and Woman. Now, though, the effects of their sin are starting to dawn, and their attention is turned to the Seed. They LONG for everything to be right again in their relationship with God. The woman is now named Eve. The focus shifts to the LIFE that will come forth from her… a promise they imagined would be fulfilled in their child/children, but was not fulfilled until so many decades later in Jesus Christ.

They had made their own coverings out of leaves, but this was insufficent. God institutes the first blood sacrifice to create a covering for them. In light of Eve’s new name and focus, this is even more prophetic and profound.

But the point I really want to get to is that flaming sword.

Adam and Eve are expelled from the garden NOT BECAUSE GOD IS FED UP WITH THEM!  Yes, He is Holy and their sin seperated them, but He could have just left the garden and left them in it. He makes them leave the garden so that they will not eat of the tree of life. If they do, they would live forever in their sins and any hope of restoration would be lost.

But not only are they kicked out. “He placed cherubim at the east of the garden of Eden, and a flaming sword which turned every way to guard the way to the tree of life” (vs. 24)

Cherubim is plural, by the way. Doesn’t this seem a little extreme? I mean,  an angel with a firey sword. I’ve got it. I’ll stay away. Angels in Scripture can be pretty scarey. Hense why their first words are normally “Don’t be afraid!”  But a flaming sword that’s turning every which way speaks to me of a passionate, zealous warrior GOD who steps in and says I WILL NOT LOSE YOU!  He is not apathetic. Not complacent. Not grumpy. He’s zealous! He will not give up on the human race with out a fight.  The sword is swinging. He loves them too much to let this breech in fellowship go on forever. He LONGS to be with them.  He’s guarding their future communion with such fierce devotion. What a merciful God!

A short, new season

A week and a half ago, Kevin lost his job. Funny how things can change so suddenly. Although people are apparently losing their jobs left and right (so I’m told… it’s easy to miss this stuff when you don’t watch the news), I really thought Kevin’s job was secure. Why? Because it was a bad job to begin with. It didn’t pay well and everyone there hated it and dreamed of walking out. And a lot of people did quit. So, I figured in my own faulty human reasoning that we were “safe”. We were barely scraping by, but at least we didn’t have to worry about not having a job.

Funny how when we put our security in something other than the Lord and His goodness, it doesn’t hold up.

Well, let’s just say I didn’t find it very funny last Wednesday. I kind of freaked out. Not exactly a pillar of faith. The Lord bears LONG with me. How many times has He come through in our finances? And yet I still struggle to trust Him! Ironic enough, I had just taught the lesson on WORRY for the Sermon on the Mount class with the kids.

So I’ve been going through this cycle of looking at the waves and sinking, then looking at Jesus, then looking at the waves and sinking, then looking at Jesus, then looking at the waves…

Well, Kevin still doesn’t have a job. But I now do. A job working, once again, with my two best friends Shannon and George Clooney (HA!). It’s a temporary job.. only until May… which is good because I don’t want to be away from my kids long term. But now Kevin can have a month or so to spend time with them, and I know this will be a precious season for him. We’re praying the timing will work out perfectly and there won’t be too much overlap between my job and whenever he gets a job.

The Lord is good and in control. If only I could get to the place where I could ALWAYS say that with complete confidence, with out an ounce of worry or unbelief.  I am so thankful He doesn’t give up on me.

Learning to lean…

My Brilliant Daughter

I am SO proud of Hadessah!

She wrote her very first words!!!

FAT

and

FAN

I can’t believe how grown up she’s getting. 3 1/2 years old!

My weekend

So, this past weekend I slipped away, on my own, to Kansas City for a short refueling. Before we moved to KC, every time I visited the prayer room I’d have some kind of grand experience. A significant prophetic dream, a vision, a life changing word given… something. Although I was hoping for something of that nature, my time away was more like just a bath in pure oil. It was so good, and so needed. No, not a long term solution, and I doubt I’ll get to do that again for a long time… but it was so good. So good to sit under Misty’s devo and just soak in the presence of the Lord… to feel Him everywhere. To just enjoy Him and know He’s enjoying me… just hanging out. It took me 3 hours to read 7 chapters of Luke. I had the best nights’ sleep I’ve had in a long, long time. I tend to have trouble getting to sleep, but man I slept great! I asked God for just time together, and though I would have loved to stop by and see some friends, I knew that my time there was so fleeting. Last time I visited KC, I never even made it to the prayer room because I was visiting people. At any rate, I didn’t run into anyone I knew there. No one. It really was just me and the Lord.

On the car ride I listened to a lot of Paul Washer, and the sessions from the Atlanta summit. I wept, and I mean WEPT, at the prophetic word for GHOP about the blocks. It undid me. And of course, when Paul Washer preaches, I’m convicted and left longing to live more fully abandoned to the Lord. Somewhere along the way, a burden was lifted.

So, now I’m back. I would have liked to teach the CEM class last night with some kind of apostolic authority. In reality, “the city of fog” still seems just that, and I so lack anointing and clarity to teach these kids. There’s a dense spiritual fog over this city. I can say something over and over and over and over again and be met with only foggy understanding, an almost-recollection a few minutes later. It is so weak. So very, very weak. And yet God delights in the building.  I was reading Luke today and was struck by a similarity. Jesus tells the disciples what is going to happen with in-your-face clarity. He didn’t beat around the bush. It was so to the point. And yet it says the disciples didn’t get it! They didn’t understand! But it would all be brought to their rememberance later by the Holy Spirit, and these dull disciples would turn the world upsidedown.  So I’ll have to remember this when it seems like I’m not getting far with these kids. I am just a vessel. It’s not my job to transform lives or hearts. I pray. I speak.  And I have to trust the Holy Spirit for all the rest.

One of the things I was convicted about was facebook. I am an all-or-nothing kind of person, and whatever I do I tend to do all the way. In other words, I lack moderation. And self-control. So, Saturdays are now my facebook days. I’ll just have to be out of the loop, which if fine as long as my heart is alive in God. That’s what matters.

Anyway, back to life. Back to “Mommy! Kiah’s eating the toothpaste again” and such adventures of motherhood. Back to learning to commune with the Lord in the midst of the craziness of 3 little ones, in the midst of outside pressures and the absence of regular time in a prayer room. And since this is where He has me right now, I know it’s exactly where I’m supposed to be. I trust His leadership. It’s not easy, but it’s making me strong in Him. Amen!

Update: standstill

I haven’t updated much on our foster/adopt adventure on this blog, mostly because of confidentiality issues. (I’ve been doing a little basic updating on facebook.)  To put it simply, we’re barreling through several obstacles. I don’t know why I didn’t anticipate resistance. There is an enemy out there who does not want any children to be snatched up from a life of dispair and placed in our little house of prayer.

Right now, I need to have a $500 psychological exam done in order to proceed.  I’m sure I’ll pass… if you know me, you could probably vouch for the fact that I’m not crazy! At least I hope so! But even if I do pass, it’s not a guarantee that we’ll be licensed.  We just have to trust the Lord for this one. He’s made it clear to us that we’re supposed to continue on with this, so we’re just moving forward one step at a time with a weak “yes” in our hearts.

$500 is nothing compared to what most adoptions cost, but it’s still way beyond our monthly budget. If you would like to donate to this cost, please email me and let me know.  We’re confident that the Lord will make a way. We don’t know how, but we know He will. Maybe He will use you.

Bibles and Big Kids

For Christmas we got Hadessah a “big girl” Bible… as in a “real” Bible. Not a story Bible, but one with actual chapters and verses. Actually, this wasn’t her first real Bible. We got both Hadessah and Hezekiah Bibles from the Dollar store. We told them that when they could show us that they could treat their Bibles gently and with respect, we would get them “big kid” Bibles. And since Hadessah was so gentle with hers from the start, it didn’t take her long. Hezekiah has actually been wonderful with his too, and wonderful with Hadessah’s Bible when she shares with him. So whenever we have the money, we’ll be getting Kiah a big boy Bible as well.

I realize that this seems ridiculous to a lot of people. My kids can’t read. Why in the world would I give them a Bible that has no pictures when they can’t read? And yet, if you see them with their Bibles, gently and lovingly turning the pages, feeling the pages, pointing out letters and numbers that they see, you might get the sense that they know this is no ordinary book. The Spirit testifies to their spirits that this book is something special. And as they turn those pages, hunger for His Word is awakening in their little hearts. They’re longing to be able to read His Word. Deep is calling out onto deep.

Many of us teach young children not to touch the Bible. “No! Don’t touch! That’s Mommy’s Bible”… and it’s understandable. Young children rip pages. My Bible is very precious to me and I don’t want little fingers tearing my highlighted and scribbled pages out. But I think it’s important to TRAIN children to be gentle with the Bible. Seeing as how the training process includes bumps along the way, we don’t train our children with our personal Bibles. But instead of making The Word of God off limits to them, we teach them to treasure and value it.

Even with Hosanna, I do this. I take her little puggy hand in mine and rub it on the Bible. “Bible!” I say over and over again. “This is the Word of God!” The Bible is something of great esteem in our household even from an early age.

That being said, I do want to also say that our children have picture Bibles and Bible story books as well. They enjoy these too, but they know the difference. I have to be careful with what Bible story books I allow into their collection. I just threw one on Jonah away because of bad theology. Sometimes I wonder if the people who write Bible story books even read the real story in their Bibles before they write them, or if they’re doing it from distant memory. This particular Jonah book was a rhyming one, and it seems that the author didn’t think it a big deal to change a few key details in order to make it rhyme. I’m sorry, but Jonah did not fall into the water. He was thrown into it. And he wasn’t happy to obey after being spat onto dry land. He went to Nineveh, but grudgingly.  Unfortunately for the book writers, not all the Bible stories have happy endings.

The other thing with Bible story books is that a lot of them include the “moral of the story” as some character lesson. Although I think good character lessons can be gleaned from these stories, I don’t believe that’s the fullness of it. All of the Bible stories, beginning with creation and Adam, are about the knowledge of God. In reading them, we find out who God is. All history hinges on this beautiful God and our holy Savior.  We aren’t changed in the inner man so much by following David’s example, but by seeing God reveal Himself through David’s story.  This is what we’re trying to emphasize when teaching our children Bible stories.

Do you know how many people know the story of Adam and Eve in the garden and don’t understand that the most merciful thing God could have done after the fall was to banish Adam and Eve from the garden? Do you know how many people think God was being mean… punishing them, getting back at them because He was completely disgusted with their behavior? Do you know how many people miss the fact that God was mercifully saving them from eating of the Tree of Life and living forever in their sins? You can know the story of Adam and Eve and not know the story of who God revealed Himself to be in the story of Adam and Eve. You can know all the Bible stories and never have the knowledge of God.

At any rate, I wanted to offer our reasoning behind those big kids Bibles. I know in some posts I can come off as judgmental. That, of course, is not my intention. I hope that someone somewhere is encouraged by these Mommy posts. Let us walk in the light of revelation we have from the Lord, sharing what He’s given to us and learning from what He’s given to others!